Sakura's Surprise
by Xchy
Summary: Sakura has a surprise for the boys of Team 7. So why aren't they shocked? Series of short humorous stories.
1. Chapter 1

"... so I said, 'That's not a penguin, that's my mother'!" Naruto finished, bursting into laughter.

Sasuke gave him his patented number 8 glare – I Am Not Amused – and grunted. The blond kept telling these awful jokes, and there was _no way_ to stop him. He was so desperate for distraction that he wished _Sakura _was here. She still hadn't grown out of her stupid crush on him. Sasuke-kun this and Sasuke-kun that was all she seemed to be able to say. They were nearly fourteen, when would she learn he wasn't interested!

"Sasuke-kun! Naruto! You'll never guess what I saw on my way here!" Sakura panted, running towards them at practically a sprint. Speak of the devil...

"What, what, what, Sakura-chan!" Naruto replied, bouncing up and down with excitement.

"I saw Kakashi-sensei! And he wasn't alone!" She exclaimed, even though she was bent over with her hands on her knees, trying to catch her breath.

"Ah, that's boring. He's always hanging out with Gai." Naruto scoffed.

"Not this time. He was with a _woman_!" Sakura said. "And! And! He _wasn't wearing his mask_!"

Sasuke's jaw dropped. Their sensei _never _took his mask off.

"What did he look like?" He asked, his curiosity overcoming his usual reticence.

"He was so handsome! I mean, not as handsome as you, Sasuke-kun, but still, he was like a model!" Sakura relied, dreamy-eyed.

"Who was this woman he was with?" Naruto asked.

"You'll never believe me if I tell you." Sakura said, folding her arms, eyes gleaming mischievously.

The two boys, in a moment of rare synchronization, favoured the pink-haired girl with identical incredulous looks.

"Well, I think she was his _wife_! They were holding hands and laughing and smiling and everything!" Sakura said. "That must be why he's always late! He's too busy being lovey-dovey with his wife to bother with his poor neglected students!"

There was a pause as the two boys digested the information.

"So, what was the amazing news you wanted to tell us, Sakura-chan? I mean, the mask thing was pretty unusual, sure, but what else was so odd?" Naruto asked.

"Huh? Other than Kakashi-sensei being, I don't know, _married_?" Sakura said, giving Naruto an incredulous look of her own.

"Hn. You didn't notice until now? I thought you were the smartest in class." Sasuke muttered.

"WHAT! YOU KNEW?"

"Of course, Sakura-chan. I eat dinner with sensei and Rin-chan twice a week!" Naruto chirped. "And their kids are so cute! They call me Uncle Naruto! Well, except for Saku-kun, he calls me Unca Nawwuto, but that's because -" Sasuke cut him off with a hand across his mouth.

"Kakashi-sensei and I often spend time discussing techniques in the evenings. Rin-sensei makes excellent tea." Sasuke chipped in, making sure to keep Naruto silent. He'd had enough of the blond's gibbering.

Sakura's mouth opened and closed several times, no sound making its way out.

"Wow, you were serious, Sakura-chan, you didn't know Kakashi-sensei was married? We need to introduce you to his family!" Naruto yelled, having grabbed Sasuke's hand and dragged it out of the way.

Sakura screamed something that sounded like "AAAAAAAARGH!" and sprinted away, tearing at her hair and sobbing.

Naruto and Sasuke exchanged looks.

"Damnit, I can't believe she fell for your stupid clones." Sasuke finally grumbled, and Naruto's face split into a wide grin.

"Believe it, Bastard! Now pay up. I told you I could do it!"


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: So, I just got a few ideas for pranks that Team 7 would pull, and have put them up. Hope you enjoy. None of these things necessarily happen in the same continuity, and the aftermaths are posted at the end of the chapter after, if the prank needs one, i.e. aftermath for chapter 1 will be at the end of chapter 2, etc.**

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Sakura sprinted along the dusty road, sweat beading her forehead in the blazing summer heat. Oh, how she wished for even the slightest breeze. Not only that, but she had woken up too late this morning – though she could swear she'd set her alarm clock last night – and hadn't had time for breakfast. So, she was hot, sweaty, and hungry. Oh, and she hadn't been able to grab a shower either, so she still smelt like her bed. And it felt like these were the clothes she'd worn yesterday, which was weird, because she'd put those in the wash and laid out new clean clothes last night. She just chalked it down to the general terrible quality of the day so far.

It wasn't like anyone would say anything if she was late, and Kakashi wouldn't even know – _He would, you know he would, he'd pick the day you're late to show up on time for once –_ but it was the principle of the thing. If she was late, that would validate Kakashi, and that, in turn, would mean that Naruto would no longer show up on time. And if Naruto wouldn't show up on time, it meant that Sasuke wouldn't either, because he never showed up when it was only Sakura around. He didn't seem to have a problem with her when they were with other people, but he just disappeared whenever it seemed that they would be left alone together. It was, really, quite frustrating.

As she rounded the corner to their regular meeting place, her ninja senses began tingling. Something was wrong. Not 'oh-my-god-we're-all-going-to-die' wrong, but 'something here does not fit' wrong. She couldn't quite put her finger on what it was until she got closer to her two teammates.

The first thing that was wrong was fairly obvious. Naruto seemed to have grown about three inches overnight, and his hair had mysteriously grown out by a similar amount. He also looked slightly narrower, leaner, than usual. Sasuke had suffered similar changes, but in the opposite direction – he seemed to have cut his hair down to short spikes, and had shrunk about the same amount that Naruto had grown, broadening and putting on a little muscle in the process.

At first, she thought her eyes were deceiving her. There was no way that something so extraordinary could have happened. It must be another one of Naruto's dumb pranks. She slowed her full out sprint to a gentle jog and coasted the last few metres to her teammates.

"Wow, Sakura-chan, you were almost late!" 'Naruto' exclaimed, his dark (_dark?_) eyes widening in mock surprise, a goofy grin on his face.

"Hn." Grunted 'Sasuke', crossing his arms and giving her a disapproving look, his big blue (_what?_) eyes narrowing in contempt.

Sakura placed both hands on her hips and drew herself up to her full height, scowling angrily at the two boys.

"Stop screwing around, you two! Sasuke, how the hell did Naruto manage to convince you to do this? You dyed your hair blond! You're wearing make-up to try and have the same whiskers as the dumbass! You're even wearing that set of orange monstrosities he calls clothing!" She scolded.

'Naruto' tilted his head, a befuddled grin on his face. "Sakura-chan, what are you talking about? I've always looked like this, and this gloomy bastard is Sasuke!"

'Sasuke' simply grunted once more, causing the shocked Sakura to whirl on him.

"And you! You're covering your whiskers with make-up, and you dyed your hair too! Sasuke's clothes are way too long for you, you idiot! You look nothing like Sasuke-kun!" Sakura paused for breath. "Well, you did the dyes well. I can't even see the roots. And your eyebrows match. And..." She blushed at where the thought was taking her, a small trickle of blood leaking from her nose before she could stop the images.

'Naruto's' face split into a cheeky grin, his eyes narrowing to foxy slits. "Neh, Sakura-chan, thinking about me an' Sasuke, hmm?" He leaned to the side, grabbing 'Sasuke' around the shoulders and slouching onto him. "Oh, Sasuke, however will we tell the world of our forbidden love!" He exclaimed.

Sakura's nose began to bleed again. There was no way that this moron could be her beloved Sasuke-kun. But he looked so much like him!

While Sakura was distracted with her perverse thoughts, 'Sasuke' shoved 'Naruto' off him, the larger boy collapsing to a heap on the floor.

"Owwwwwwwww! Sasuke-chan, kiss it better, please?" He begged, rubbing his elbow where he had banged it on the floor.

'Sasuke' seemed to give this consideration for a moment, before slowly bending down to crouch next to 'Naruto', holding the blond's arm gently in one hand. 'Naruto' looked up at him, eyes wet with fake tears, face dejected.

Then 'Sasuke' spun, turning the gentle, one handed hold into an arm lock, pinning the bigger blond to the floor with contemptuous ease.

"Know your place." He sneered, one foot planted on the prone 'Naruto's' back.

Sakura had had enough. This couldn't possibly be real. There was no way that her beloved Sasuke-kun would play along with Naruto's stupid schemes for so long. It had to be either a dream or a genjutsu.

She gathered her chakra and released it with a handseal and a short, curt, exclamation, causing the two boys, who had now managed to get each other into headlocks, to pause in their wrestling for a moment. 'Sasuke' gave her a glare – a number 3, 'Your Brain Is Inferior' if she judged right – and 'Naruto' smiled and gave her a little wave.

There was no other change.

Sakura sighed. "Screw this. I'm going home. When I wake up, this will all just be a bad memory."

She turned and walked away, but only made it about five steps before she crashed into someone.

"Sorry!" She exclaimed, looking up to see a man in green spandex. "Ah, Gai-sensei, sorry!"

She bowed, then looked further up. It was always a risky proposition, looking at Gai's face, but she didn't want to be disrespectful.

Sakura screamed and fainted.

Kakashi smirked beneath his mask and slipped the black mop-head from his head, shucking the green spandex suit in the same motion.

"Looks like both of you owe me a meal. Now, I hear that Lightning Country's nice this time of year..."

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**OMAKE: Chapter 1 Aftermath**

"So, Naruto-kun, I hear that my wife is a good friend of yours. Mind introducing me?" A voice asked from behind the blond.

Naruto's mind immediately went into overdrive. This was bad. Kakashi-sensei had a sense of humour almost as mischievous as his own, and was as inventive with pranks. _And now he knew what Naruto had done_.

"Really, Kakashi-sensei? Where did you get that idea?" Naruto asked, hoping that perhaps this was simply one of Kakashi's surreal jokes.

Kakashi's one visible eye crinkled up into its half-circle of a smile. "Maa, well, the first time I heard about it was when Gai jumped on me in the street, enveloped me in a bear hug that cracked five of my ribs, and congratulated me for three and a half hours on my 'incessant flames of Youth'. Three. And. A. Half. Hours. Now, Naruto, after I was released from hospital, having been treated for the aforementioned broken ribs and a severe case of ruptured eardrums, I decided that I should find out what had prompted such lunacies from Gai."

Naruto gulped nervously. "Ah, but you know how Gai-sensei is, Kakashi-sensei! He might have just been in one of his moods!" He exclaimed, wringing his hands behind his back.

Kakashi nodded sagely, rubbing his chin. "I would have believed that, Naruto-kun, had Gai been the only one to accost me in the streets. Asuma found me, and delivered a large amount of innuendo accompanied by numerous elbow jabs to the ribs. The ribs which, not a quarter of an hour before the meeting, had been broken. He then accused me of lying to him for all the years we had known each other. He never outright stated what it was that I had been lying about, however, so I chalked it up to Shikamaru cutting his tobacco with something again."

Naruto let out a small sigh of relief.

"Then Kurenai came up to me."

Naruto winced. He knew _exactly_ where this was going. Things were looking worse by the second.

"Now, as I am sure you are aware, Naruto-kun, Kurenai is not what you might call _enamoured _with my usual choice of reading material. However, as she pointed out to me in the street earlier today, as a married man I should stop slandering my good wife's name by reading such filth in public. She then took my books from me and burnt them. They were _first edition copies_, Naruto-kun. Signed by the author himself. Each one cost me more than half a year's wages."

Naruto hung his head in shame. He hadn't meant for it to go this far. He knew just how much Kakashi-sensei loved those books. After he'd escaped punishment, he'd have to find the author and get new signed copies for his sensei as an apology.

"After that, my day became something of a blur. Sakura bumped into me and began gibbering insanely, blushing and avoiding looking at me all the while. I think you broke her, by the way. Anko propositioned me. Apparently, now that I'm married, I've become incredibly attractive. Iruka treated me to a bowl of ramen, which was a welcome rest, though he bombarded me with questions I couldn't answer. After all, how would I know how long I had been married, or how old my children were? Especially since, as I have had to point out to approximately three-quarters of the village, I am _not_ in fact married, and, as such, do _not_ have children." Kakashi paused briefly. "That I know of."

At least he was honest.

Throughout the rant his voice had become more and more strained, rising steadily in pitch from his usual bass to a nigh-hysterical treble. Naruto could swear he could see a tear forming in the corner of Kakashi's eye.

"Naruto-kun, please, tell me, why did you do this to me?" He begged, sounding utterly destroyed. "I know that I'm not the best sensei. I know that I'm hard on you guys, and that I should probably at least make an effort to be on time. I know that my excuses are pretty lame. But _why_?"

Naruto gulped once again. "Ano, Kakashi-sensei, I kinda made a bet with Sasuke..."

Kakashi nodded. "I see. You made a bet to see if you could ruin me in a single day. Well, congratulations, Naruto-kun. Congratulations." His voice was bitter.

"No! A bet to see if I could convince Sakura-chan that you were married with kids." Naruto protested.

Kakashi sighed deeply. "It pains me to do this to my own student, Naruto-kun." He reached up to his forehead protector, pushing it up and uncovering his Sharingan eye. The black tomoe in the iris began to whirl rapidly. "This is something I based off one of Itachi's reported abilities. For the next 72 hours, you will be hung just out of reach of a bowl of ramen."


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Warning, this chapter contains sexual references in a (potentially) humorous situation. Not trying to offend anyone here, but if you are offended, tell me.**

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Kakashi was worried. He'd shown up this morning – well, around midday, but who was counting? - to the regular team meeting, but, much to his surprise, his team wasn't there. They had been gone from the meeting spot before, but they'd always left him a note – usually with a cute little trap attached – to tell him where they'd gone. But not this time. They just … hadn't shown up.

Which was why he was so worried. Even if Naruto didn't show – something that happened on occasion, the boy was hard on his alarm clocks – Sasuke and Sakura did. Or rather, Sakura showed up and Sasuke hid nearby, trying to avoid her, despite the fact that she'd grown out of most of her rabid fangirling.

He was about to leave to check their homes – Naruto's was closest, one of the reasons he'd chosen this place for their meetings, it made it more likely that the lively blond would show up on time – when his three students shambled into view, all three of them limping and looking sore and tired, their hair and clothes dishevelled – wait, was that a rip in Sakura's dress? And Naruto's jacket had the zipper broken. Sasuke's arm … things … were missing, too, now that he got a good look at the boy.

As they got closer, the smell hit his sensitive nose. Wow, alcohol, sweat, and … whoah. Now _that_ he hadn't expected. His team had never exactly been outgoing, even the seemingly-extrovert Naruto preferring to stay at home or in the company of close friends, and Sakura had always been a prude, and Sasuke had always seemed so, well, distant... Kakashi knew that this happened sometimes with teams, especially after particularly stressful missions, but he'd never expected it of his team. Perhaps he shouldn't jump to conclusions though?

"Maa, looks like you three had a good night." He commented as they reached him, giving a cheerful wave. "What happened? You lot look like you were dragged through a bush backwards."

Naruto started off the narrative, seemingly the first one able to muster the energy to speak.

"Well, after training finished, we decided to go and get some food. Sakura wouldn't let us go and get ramen, so we went to a place near mine. We ate, and, well, you know what it's like near my place, the joint doubled as a bar, so we decided to have a drink or two." Naruto muttered, as though he was trying to keep the world as quiet as possible.

"What next?" Kakashi chirped, rather louder than necessary, causing his three students to wince in pain. He smirked maliciously beneath his mask. Stand him up, would they...

Sakura took over.

"It's... kind of a blur for a while. We all had a lot to drink, and next thing I remember, we're all outside the bar, lying on the pavement. I think Sasuke was sick on the bartender... Well, Naruto said we could crash at his place, so we headed over there. It's a good job it wasn't far, I don't think we'd have made it back otherwise. We got in the front door, and then it's all kind of a blur again... I remember Sasuke ripping off my dress..." She slowed to a stop, a blush covering her face as she recalled the events of last night (and this morning too, Kakashi reckoned).

Sasuke rolled his eyes at the girl's reticence. It was nothing to be ashamed of.

"The three of us kept going for a while, but Sakura was tired and passed out. Not like she needed to be awake for it, but it got boring after a while with her just lying there..." He saw Kakashi's visible eye widen in shock as he saw where this was going. "So Naruto and I decided that we could have a little fun, just the two of us..."

Kakashi bolted, disappearing in a swirl of leaves. Sasuke had caught a glimpse of their sensei's face – the quarter that was visible, anyway – and it had been turning decidedly green. Their sensei was such a hypocrite. He read all that smut in public, had no problem with the idea of two girls together, but two men? That would scare him off instantly. Those two being his students? He would move so fast that it created a time paradox where he left _before_ he heard about it, after he heard about it.

Naruto tilted his head, his half-closed, bloodshot eyes distant.

"He's gone." He confirmed.

The three teens stood up straight, brushing down their clothes, dispelling minor genjutsu and straightening out their hair. Naruto gave the other two a massive, fox-like smirk, raising both his arms. His teammates returned the grin, and two slaps resounded as the blond got his high-fives.

"I reckon that should give us the rest of the week off. If I know Kakashi-sensei, he'll be huddled in his bed, surrounded by his porn books, crying to himself and asking where he went wrong. He won't work it out until he gets over the shock."

He slung his arms over his teammate's shoulders, exerting a gentle pressure as he steered them towards Ichiraku's.


End file.
